You've Let Me Down

You’ve let me down.

I’m not talking about the metaphorical sense or the metaphysical sense or any meta pre-fixed sense that can be drudged up from the back of my vocabulary subconscious. Everybody I know in this world has let me down. And I’m not talking in some emo way of describing my life. My life has actually been truly great so far and I don’t know a lot of people that can say that. I’m an extremely lucky and blessed person that has had a relatively easy life by most standards. I’ve rarely struggled, I have the person that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with and she actually feels the same way if not more, I have an amazing home, and I’m in the process of pursuing a career that couldn’t be more rewarding, challenging, and exciting.

But everyone in my life recently has let me down. And the problem is that they don’t know it and they don’t seem to care. I started this blog as a non-basketball avenue to share my thoughts, theories, stories, and emotions with the world. It means a lot to me to have my words read by those that matter to me and those that could potentially take something away from it. It’s not easy for me to express myself to individuals. I’ve never been very open and it’s rare that I trust someone enough to let them into my head. I don’t have some traumatic experience that necessarily led to this in my life. Maybe it’s because I’ve had friends stab me in the back before. I’m not sure. Whatever it is, it’s not easy for me to connect on a one on one basis. However, when it’s writing to the masses, it’s very easy for me. I love sharing my opinions and discussing why I’m either a genius for having them or a complete retard that doesn’t know what I’m talking about. As long as we get to discuss it, that’s all I ever want.

So when I write words on this blog or on my website, it isn’t just something to fill space and it isn’t just something to do. It’s me opening up my heart and my mind to a group of people that I wouldn’t be comfortable enough to open up to individually. And yet it goes unread by those that mean the most to me. I’ve briefly mentioned it before that friends don’t let friends go un-read. And it’s true. The problem is that I think only one person read that blog. ONE!!!! You’ve left me hanging in the most vulnerable way when you ignore my words on this page. It hurts when I check the hits on this blog and it only goes up by a single digit every time I check.

And do you know why it goes up just one digit? Because I, myself, clicked on the fucking page. I’m the only one reading my own words. The only one. And that’s shitty for you to do to me. I’m a damn loyal person and a pretty selfless person. Anything anybody ever needs from me, no matter how well or little I know them, will get it from me if I can provide it. I’m not tooting my own horn here. I’m just letting you know that about me. I’m a giving person by nature and I love helping other people. Even if it’s those that I barely know. All I’ve asked in return is that you support me in what I want to do the most. The only way for me to get better as a writer and to make it in this industry is to be read and be criticized. And when you don’t even bother to read, after you say you will and always will, and then you’ve left me by the wayside.

How long does it take to read a couple thousand words? 10 minutes? Is that so hard to have you devote 10 minutes a day or every couple of days just to read what I write and let me know what you think? Am I being unreasonable here? I know of one single person that has read my stuff in the past week. And he read it last night because he didn’t know about it yet. One fucking person. To that one person, thank you, Adam. You reading this and discussing it with me means the world to me. To those that aren’t reading this, you’ve let me down.

You’ve done the equivalent of saying you’ll pick me up from the airport and then never showing up. You’ve done the equivalent of offering to give me a ride from work when my car is out of commission and then not picking me up. You’ve offered your support whenever I need it and then never given it. It’s so painful to have the people that matter in your life not care about what you love doing the most. I’m not the first to feel this way in life and I certainly won’t be the last. But that doesn’t mean the pain is any easier to deal with.

If you’re not interested in reading my stuff, then just tell me and don’t blow smoke up my ass. But if you say you’re going to Support the Habit, then fucking support it.

I don’t think it’s asking too much, considering I always do the same for you.

The sad thing is that even with these emotions that I’ve typed, no one has read them to know how they’ve let me down.

Support the Habit

- Z


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